Geekybuddha

This post is in very serious note. In last 3-4 months I have tried so many things which I would like to share with you all. I am writing it while others are reading for final semseter exams to be started in 4 days from now. I didn’t feel like studying so I decided to use this time doing something very constructive, so here is this post.

Its been a roller coaster ride for me. I am starting with telling an incident, I was listening to some ghazal from Ghulam Ali and I felt like sending those words to mom, the line was,

“Jab tak bika na tha to koi poochta na tha, tune mujhe khareed kar anmol kar dia”

I sent a sms to mom , and the reply was,

“kahan bik gaya, main to yahan mol bhav kar rahi hoon aur tu wahin bik gaya”

The reply made me real rofl, I was literally rolling on the floor laughing, mom has got this amazing sense of humor.

I am at the verse of ending the first phase of my life. The engineering studies are ending this June. Few months back, we got this campus placement thing into some company, everybody around was going, I never ever wanted to go, the only reason for this is that I think I am not good enough for job. Seriously I will suck at that, then why make all this effort and for a side note I knew that I will never clear this shitty aptitude test. Because I never wanted to take it, and despite of knowing all this I did what i never wanted to do, that means I went to take the test. The test was real test of my life, seriously I have never learnt from any test then I learnt or gained from that test, I will come to this point later on again. I went and I flunked in the exam, and I felt I knew it, I really knew it, it was the moment when I felt that I knew the future, I knew the destiny. Oh! my god! This is no kidding, and in any deepest corner of my heart, I didnt feel that if i had passed this test. I mean I made my destiny. No one would believe this, and I too didn’t. I only felt bad when I saw people hoping to see my name in the list, but how could it be there, when I never belonged there. And I want to hit myself hard at the softest point to make this decision to go and take the test. That was ridiculously stupidity and that was shitty decision. If I can’t learn from that decision and its result, then I have to reconsider my ability to understand myself. Its only few days back when I actually realized this. I will come to this point also again later on.

I have this amazing ability to remember those incidents which really make difference in regular life. I have all those incidents in my memory since childhood. And these incidents looks as if they are so recent. These incidents are the actual driving forces for me. One of those precious moments happened during the jodhpur visit. I have a friend there in MBM college and he met me just after the results were announced. He took me to the canteen, I met him after almost 1 year, he is my school mate, and this wasn’t very ideal situation to meet your school friend after so many years, that is the moment of lost, and I created that moment, how could i do that to myself, i myself put myself in that situation and regretting, it was all destined by myself. I created this situation, I was the creator. I was the god of this whole situation. And that moment will remain there in the museum of all those incidents which I will never forget.

Fast forward to the April, the google summer of code 2010, and applications opened. Google summer of code 2009 gave me everything I wanted to earn in my life. It is the best thing that has happened to me yet. If ever I can do anything to give back to this sacred competition I will give anything. and google summer of code 2010 taught me lesson of life time again. Thanks again. Its like a repeat telecast of the story that happened in the above para, I was not sure about applying again, there was actually no point applying again. If ever I have learnt anything from Google summer of code 2009, I shouldn’t have applied for a student again, unless it is needed by community. Half heartedly I applied. This year I applied because everyone around was applying, while they were actually applying because I was selected last year. And I had no valid reason to apply again, but still I applied. I knew the result. I knew the result well before it actually officially announced. I actually wrote my destiny again. I knew my destiny again, my fate was written by myself, no one would believe this and so as me myself, I wasn’t aware of this until few days back. But as I made my destiny , I didn’t get select. I knew it. I made it myself. I will come to this point as well again later on.

So, what is this all happening? What I am trying to prove? What I am doing with all this? Why do I need to re visualize these things all again. I have some valid points for these. Reason for recalling all these again is actually I am into similar situation again, when I know actually the result but I am acting as blind and ignoring them. I can’t ignore them again , anymore.

People say so many things about ourself, in front of us and in back of us. And our opinion about ourself is created by all these views of others. This is one hundred percent true in case of me. I create my views about myself from others view about me. Atleast for sometime . In one sense actually. The only good thing is that I know this. This is the only good thing and I love myself for this. This is quality which i inherited from my mom. I know that what i dont know, I know what I am good at, what I am bad at , where I suck and where I rock, but I forget this too often and at the right time. What matter is what your opinion is about yourself. Many of people around me think that or at least they say that I am really good at many things, which I actually know that I suck at. But it is also true that those people who you know that they will never say anything sugar coated and those who have been around you, have seen you doing stuff, and actually have seen others too doing similar things, if they say you that you really do that thing well, and you actually have no clue about that, chances may be that you would be somewhat good. These things come handy when you actually want to take some tough decisions about yourself. But remember your real judge is you yourself, just be honest to atleast four people in your life,yourself, your mother, your father and someone you love. If you can do that you are done. Spare few relations in life to be judged. They can’t be judge. You are fail if you do that.

If it takes more than 1 second to convince yourself about something, 99% chances are that the thing is not good for you. Skills, ability do matters but what rests above all these is passion and I have experienced this. Till date whatever I have done in my life , I could have have done them because I really wanted to do them. I didn’t have enough skills to do any single task of them. I can tell you there are hundreds of people who could do those things better than me, but they couldn’t and I could, the only driving force for me in all these tasks was passion. These things include 3 college fests, I believe that I did real good work with these fests, I am really really proud of my work in these fests.

Another precious moment from the museum of incidents , I had some important announcement to make for class, I wrote it on black board, no one noticed me writing that. I came back to my seat, when they noticed it, they wondered who is shreekant, anirudh was sitting beside me, he told me, see even you classmates don’t know you, you need to do something for it.And that was the moment I knew, I would do that one day.

And the college magazine project, there are really very very good designers than me, in college. But me and ashish had this passion to do it the best possible way, we thought of all wild ideas to make this edition a dream edition, that was the driving force behind all the toil. We wanted to be best. We thought of some college wide survey, we thought of online polling for magazine tag, we thought of taking interview from ex IIM director, we thought of intensive design , and we did it all. And it always pays you back when you do it from heart. I consider this magazine work as one of my best work ever. I am really proud of it and no one else need to come and tell me that I did good work, because I can tell it to myself. Creative original work gives eternal pleasure like nothing else. There is no pleasure like doing things the your way, the way you want, original, virgin work is really really an eternal pleasure. Nothing can be compared by that, when you paint something , when you write something, when you design something , its all yours, its your own way. I will be happy writing then coding if its not original. I love both things in its original form.

I was not skilled to do my google summer of code project, the only reason I could complete it well before deadline was I worked really hard for it. I was crazy, my other colleagues used to tell me that I was running really fast, I really loved it. I had no skills , I repeat. But I developed in the course of doing it. And realized that bringing out something from nowhere gives pleasure like nothing else. When you could deliver exactly what others wanted, yet putting in all your creativity , thoughts, summer of code projects are like that, indeed every open source project is like that, you deliver something that you really loved designing and which makes thousands of others like it. That is the driving force behind all the free and open source movement. I was crazy to be an open source contributor, I dreamt for this many a times, before I actually become one in some way, and nothing can beat that feeling for me.

I read a blog post recently from creator of ruby on rails, he told this, I have no skills. And I know he really meant it, he said the only thing is that i really worked very hard on things which were initially beyond my capacity. Thats the only mantra of getting things done, stick to them in constructive way. And results start coming.

I have some very bad experices too when I did things I never wanted to , I took two projects of some really lame websites, and you would be surprised i never happened to complete them. Man, I couldn’t do that, because I never liked them. Lessons learnt in them is never do thing you dont like and learn the art of saying no. It helps.

It was the last day of Sakshama X08, and we were all having food at the place where all outsiders were staying, all teachers and many alumnis of our college were there, I was taking food in my plate when this teacher, whom I never expected to say anything , called me, and introduced to few people with saying that , I have never seen such hard working guy, and I could see that he really meant it, when such things happen you feel blessed. I never expected anyone to tell me anything about my work, because it was my work I loved doing it and that itself was my best compliment that I loved it. But such moments are rare in life, work for such moments.

I have this classmate I would not like to tell name, and i remember it was 3^rd semester, he really sucks . He always pestered me to include him in some of my projects, and I actually have no idea about where to fit him in, I didn’t have any great projects either but still. One day he came to me while I was standing in hostel Porsche, and as usual he started all that ‘include me in your project’ shit, and I was listening to him, for a moment I felt like looking at both of us from some far and smiling and a thought stroked me that even in 8^th semester he will be doing same, crying for doing something, and it did happen, he is yet to figure out that ‘something’. Amazing.

Putting down all this stuff here has some meaning if you haven’t figured out it yet. I am telling the power of doing what you want to do. When we were child, we do so many things just because we wanted to do them, who cares about good bad or what will happen after them, but for many things we are forced to do it the way others want us to do, schools are one of the best example of doing this collectively wrong way in an acceptable manner. Schools are done wrongly. But because not everyone is capable of doing things the right way for his child, others who can do it, also blindly follow it just because its the way its been done. As a child we have no choice but to do what others want us to do, when it comes to school , home works, clothes and more, growing up you become little rebel , but intelligent as well, you get the trick that do few things there way and get to do other things your way, its a fair deal but actually it isn’t, you dealt gold for peanuts but its because you still are not capable of doing all things your way. I know it looks all good, whats wrong, nothing actually, I followed it all too, i got good life, good schooling, I am doing engineering and all because I follow things the way they should be. Rest assured. Thats it. Now, I am ending college, and I am on my own, my parents have least interfere in my decisions but now there are other monsters who does it for me, and they are dangerous one, I have university exams to take care of, I have teachers to take care of, I have these recruiters to take care of, I have these competition exams to take and I have done it all myself, I let everyone to do it.

At 23, I am now getting freedom finally. I have done engineering , I have developed skills and I am good to go. I am free. I must be dancing finally that I am free. But wait, did i say that I love this freedom? I am used to all those things which kept me tied, its an odd feeling to get free. I am scared, I am afraid, though excited as well. I talked a lot about freedom, I indeed talk a lot about freedom, openness being a free and open source supporter, everything for us starts with freedom. And yet, thinking of my freedom it scares me. Why is it so? What? Wait?

Ok, I mean, I need to get a job, get tied, and it will give me some sense of rest. Oh my goodness, did i notice that, what I am doing here? I had some very good arguments from one of my friends, she said, why you consider your job as a punishment, which actually gives you social and economic freedom and also you get to do work which you can actually enjoy. She had made some very valid points here, and no wonder for these thoughts. Our understanding of freedom has become so little that we bargain our individuality for some thousand bucks and we feel it as a real good deal, for many of you it may be a good deal, not for me, never for me. I value my inner feeling more than anything else. I know I can’t judge a job before actually doing it, but talking with so many people regarding these jobs I know if only 1% is true, its not for me. Not everyone can go without a job or do something on their own, then why am I ranting about it? I am indeed not ranting, I am making some point about what is going inside my head right now, for all sort of jobs its a no no for me. Period.

I read a lot of blogs about jobs, startups, entrepreneurs, students and they are mostly written by Americans and Europeans. Clearly the social structure in those countries and in India is totally different. For many years since I passed 12^th I always afraid going to my home and meeting people around, just for reason that there are always there questions about your career, future, jobs, and they always scared me to core. This is social structure of our country and this is it, its not going to change in any time soon. People shamelessly ask you about your job, marks, career and makes their view about you according to them. And for the previous generations, i.e. Our mom , dad and uncle aunties, these questions matter a lot. Doing something uncertain, untested, untraditional needs lots of guts, courage inside yourself, and most people end up being rebel if they do that. I have a far relative, he is an IIT-IIM and earning very good in some reputed MNC company, and you know what stories float about him, its that he doesnt care about his family, he never comes to any party, marriage and all, these things matter a lot for people, I don’t know much about him other than these stories but I am sure he must have some inspiring story to tell , he must be working passionately for his job but the fact that people talk about useless things make our parents very particular about what we do and how we do. There are a hell lot of things that an Indian student have to take care of before choosing the unknown path, is not just about he himself, he have to think about whole bunch of bloody relatives who can make your parents life hell because of you. Many people may argue that I am making useless points here, but trust me I have these stories to tell you , to prove enough.

I have a cousin, when I was child I used to listen stories about him, that how brilliant he is and how good he is doing in his studies. We as child were always told to be like them, we always wonder how come they be that good. As time passed, he reached in senior secondary and took pre medical exam, and eventually failed in that, he took Bsc. Course, and guess what the stories started reversing, those people who used to praise him for his brilliance started cursing them, and making dirty stories, and time passed, I grew up, and got to know him more closely, he indeed was really good at many things, but the over expectations killed him. Once I was sitting with him in balcony, and things were not very good, he was preparing for CAT exams, his parents were not happy about it, they wanted him to do some job of any sort, I don’t really know why. And he said one thing to me , “ they are same who told me to apply for CAT, and see now” . I could see the frustration on his face and at that moment I realized that how important it becomes to be strong inside. Most people end up being disaster because they judge themselves from others meter and not become strong enough inside. I was an engineering entrance aspirant then.

This is how Indian social structure works and this is how it drives everyone, so it takes lots of courage inside to get out of this web. There are always hundreds of arguments for every sentence against well established things, but whatever they be, the fact is we are not Americans or Europeans we are Indians, and we need to tackle them all. We need to , we have to. A clear example of how our social structure is affecting us is , look at the people around you and find out someone who is in his 40s and still do coding, I bet you will find none. This is fact and you can’t deny this. I was talking with some developer on irc over the fact that lack of open source communities initiated in Indian region, without going into argument that open source communities are not region centric, she and I agreed that main reason behind this the social structure here, we think about job first rather than passion and we take marriage as the biggest occasion of life where you end your personal life. She is an American developer and has worked in lots of open source projects with many Indians and she has this really nice observations about us without being racist. I too admit that though there are many Indian student developers who work in open source community, once they get job and all , they disappear. This is how we work. The reason of this is we being not strong enough to come out of social web.

There is this very good observation that I found in our society that how we give respect to someone, in the one hand we talk a lot about importance of education, but the thing that we care about is money. Everyone is judged on that scale. You are student and you are doing post graduation in some very important research topic which could help mankind, and your project is funded, but you dont earn yet, you are 27 years and you don’t earn, you will be seen with dirty looks at times, your parents will feel bad about it and your life become hell, you can’t do that unless you are good enough to handle all this additional pressure, and unless your parents are good enough to understand this. Things may have changed in bigger cities but not much, I have friends from metro cities like delhi , mumbai and they have this similar problem, one of my junior was wondering why i didnt go for any campus interviews further, I said, I don’t want to. He replied that in our society, an unemployed engineer doesnt get good respect, and he is from delhi. While everyone around my home and in my family is not very much studied, they take care of everyone who is studying, keep asking about marks, and jobs and future plans. Even a shopkeeper who actually did nothing good in his life other than taking over his fathers business is given more respect than an educated person who is yet to get a good job. And not only uneducated people talks like this, there are these semi educated, and educated people who bitches about others.

Society is not going to change anytime soon, so whats the solution? What i think the solution can be is to be strong inside, be firm with your ideas, have your dignity in yourself. Talk with your parents, tell them about your ideas, your views, talk with your relatives, be confident in what you do, give people valid arguments to their questions and yourself respect others who are in similar situation, that way you can create a good ground for yourself. Tell people stories about success of Indian startups, people who did it differently and tell them how important it is. We become hopelessly slave to our society when it comes to these matters but it shouldn’t be like this, we need to give our input back, at least for the small cities like mine, this is the thing that I need to do.

I am talking about social structure, power of being strong, doing what you want to do, job, career, startup. I want to come back to the points are stated early like the incident of test and gsoc 2010, and now I want to link them with the above discussion. Things that i realized from those incidents was that I can’t do the thing i don’t want to do. I am that. So if something doesn’t excites me at first place its not for me. And I took two wrong decisions knowing the results.

How one know that how much capable he is? I don’t know, thats why I put down these things about myself so that I can judge myself, and what I got is the capability is proportional to the passion, take a moment, think about the task and find how much it excites you, if it does, you are good to go, this is the way i do it.

My reason for talking all this here is to decide on where to go from here. Once we get graduated we have all these options to choose from. I should talk about myself here. To get a job in Google, for which i got an offer, I need to learn hardcore algorithms which we never happened to for some reasons which can make another large post, and still a job is a job. I don’t want to do a job. The second option is going for post graduation, the route is to go for a MS or PhD, I got some offer kinda thing to do a PhD in a world class lab in US, for both I need to take a GRE, study hard, and that means another 3-4 years of studying. Here comes the social structure part. My parents are not going to say anything about this, but I know. And yes, I need to ask myself do I really want to do this? Its taking more than 1 second to answer this. Please don’t consider these options in the order I am writing , they are not in the priority order, the other option is to go for startup. To answer this question to myself, here is something that came into my mind, supposed I were not an engineer, what I would have done? Just the thought scares me. But for the sake of imagining, if i were to open a shop, I would have done it the my way, i just saw an old postman going on his cycle, suddenly something happened in my mind, why he chose that job, does he loves it? May be , may be not? There are those lucky people who have more than one option to choose from, I felt blessed in that sense, I know the frustration in the newly graduate engineering students all around. I smile and I look back, and I know I have made the right decision finally.